I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
