She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
