dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
