I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You dont lie about slip and slides
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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