my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
