I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
