this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
