Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
