Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Send help, water and tortillas.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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