I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She said her name was "party"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
