Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
