I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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