I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
