just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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