dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
