The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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