I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
