Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just blew my weed a kiss
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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