Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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