a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
