Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
