i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
