Hippo gnu deer
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
