so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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