Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
