i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
