Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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