I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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