the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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