***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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