my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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