I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
