I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I smell like Dick and happiness
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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