Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
