I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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