Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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