There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
