There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
