mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
