I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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