john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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