The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
