Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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