I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
