dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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