What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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