shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
