I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
