My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
