Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
