um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
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