HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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