my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
How many fucks given?
0.12846
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He has the fingertips of a God
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