I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
