I will die if light touches me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
