I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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