I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
