last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
