4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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