Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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